Guy Steals a Hearse With a Dead Body Still Inside and Who the Fuck Steals a Hearse?

Atlanta – A thief who allegedly stole a hearse from a loading dock at Grady Memorial Hospital in Atlanta on Sunday is in police custody. Willie Watkins, the owner of the funeral home, said the driver, William Lyles, had pulled up to the hospital and a man asked him if he needed help. Lyles said he was fine and went into the hospital morgue to retrieve the body. Lyles returned to the SUV and loaded the body into a gray Ford Flex. He began to walk towards the front to drive off when the same man as earlier took his keys from him, pushed him down and took the SUV. A witness said the same suspect then abandoned the SUV and carjacked another vehicle at the intersection of Piedmont and Auburn avenues.

Watkins said the suspect damaged the hood of the transport vehicle while breaking out of the locked parking lot at the morgue. The suspect, identified as Henry Lyles, was located and arrested Sunday afternoon. “When you think about it. Even the dead cannot rest in peace,” said Watkins. Willie’s brother, Darryl Watkins, spoke to the driver and described how he reacted. “He was in shock and awe, like what’s going on? You know what I mean? He thought the guy was just standing there,” said Watkins, “I understand this guy was already being looked for at Grady Hospital. He might have been a mental patient. We really don’t know.” Watkins said it was tough breaking the news to the deceased man’s family that the body of their loved one was stolen.

Couple things here:

I couldn’t even believe this car was a hearse at first. Hearses should have to be black and boxy and look exactly like they do in the movies so unsuspecting people don’t accidentally buy one at the dealership. This has gotta be a real bummer if you own a Ford Flex, right? You think you’ve got a nice, family friendly SUV to tote the kids back and forth from soccer practice. But in reality everybody you go past thinks you’re headed to a funeral with a stiff in the back. They’re probably expecting somebody that looks like Herman Munster to be behind the wheel. Not a great scenario for some Joe Schmo just trying to cope with a bunch of whiny little shits who keep flicking boogers at the back of his head. On the other hand, there’s not a huge difference in my mind between heading to a funeral and going to an 8 year old’s soccer practice so maybe it is the perfect vehicle to represent the end of life as we know it.

Secondly, who the fuck steals a hearse with a dead guy in it? I can really only think of two scenarios. Option 1 is that he’s just a nutjob. Option 2 (and my preferred scenario) is that there’s potentially a combo chop shop / stolen organ black market readily available in the Atlanta area. That’s like a Wal-Mart for criminal activity. Drugs on aisle 15, human trafficking on aisle 12, and a Coin-Star for money laundering in front of the registers. Sure there’s never enough hired thugs to be cashiers and the lines are really long but you can’t beat that kind of convenience. I just hope all the mom and pop criminal organizations aren’t put out of business by the big bad megastore of debauchery and illicit activity. Because convenience is nice but what’s the guy who’s been selling kidney’s out of his one bedroom apartment gonna do when people can boost cars and bodies and get it all taken care of at a one stop shop? Really gonna tear apart the whole criminal community as we know it. Damn corporations.